so i haven't written. i have another job. this time in a cancer center. ayayay
i've been depressed. wonder why, jesus! of course i will give it my best shot. i still intend on saving my money so i can leave the country, hopefully for longer and hopefully with ramon. the more time here, the more i spin my feet, it is looking harder and harder to either simply get back there or in the bg picture hook up somefuckingwhere with ramon, or for that matter move on to bigger and better things like working for an organization in another place in the world for a longer period of time. it isn't looking promising for him, yet. if he leaves spain he will be deported to peru and unlikely be able to leave again, at least for a long while. so he has heard of an amnesty program in spain. its designed to legalize the millions from south america and africa who are working illegally there. it will take all his papers from peru and a guaranteed contract from his employer.
other than that, what thrills me beyond measure, besides hearing from him, is to hear from my friends in peru. i got a christmas card--homemade from the village. and of course one from carlos. and chicho sent me a bracelet and necklace he made. he is another friend now living in trujillo. i had not mentioned him before. we met in cusco, in my last few months there. an artesano. a sweetie. he left there to take care of his mother who developed breast cancer. they could not afford the most basic of care for her and over these months since i have been back i have sent them money to help cover it. he hates to ask, but has no other option. if they don't pay for it upfront, she simply does not get it. seeing cancer patients here, makes me think of her. we have sooo much. and i don't have the heart to tell chicho how shortchanged she really is. or how much extra we have. i don't know. anyway it was WONDERFUL to hear from everyone at the holidays. it made me remember christmas there a year ago. much of it was spent with the villagers in sipascancha and in ollanta with carlos and washi. we collected money to buy shoes, actually ahokas for all the 300 children. we had extra, thanks to friends here, so we filled a white plastic bag for each child with clothes they needed, their sandals, sweet bread, and a ball. and then those kids sweetly lined up, in their classes and shyly walked up when we called their name with a makeshift sound system hooked up to a boombox. and once they had their bag, they dashed off barely able to contain themselves. balls were everywhere. and to think that morning, i remember some boys playing soccer with a stuffed plastic bag. by scrolling down you can see photos of all that. i won't bore you with reposting them! anyway, in ollanta the memories are of driving with maria, carlos, alex, and roger way up in the fucking mountains with our huge baskets of sweet bread and makings for the world's worst hot chocolate to poor villages waiting for us with fires going and huge kettles of boiling water, all ready for the chocolate and few cans of evaporated milk and sugar. and the children all around looking innocent and dirty, with thier cups and containers for their hot chocolate. and to remember this one little guy who plucked himself down on the ground and then proceeded to dip his bread in the hot chocolate with complete abandon, i'm sure i was the only one who eyed him in his own little world. ohh, to think of all that. anyway the remainder of my christmas there was alone, but my heart was filled with the true meaning of christmas. it's past but impossible to forget.
oh god so sappy. forgive me.

so its been a few weeks...i have been in a funk...a new funk(!) guess what i got FIRED. un-fucking-believable. i haven't been fired since i was 17, when i was working at that fruit stand, and got myself canned for not sorting peaches two-handed. this time it was because i wasn't a good fit. well it was a govt job and maybe i was not a good fit...nonetheless it was devastating. i cried all the way home from corvallis. thank you josiah for keeping your mom on the phone and talking! i have said it before since being back here that it has been so difficult to get on my feet. it's not letting up. my mind takes me back to sipascancha and cusco, and the feeling of thinking sooo clearly. jesus i could just think without a myriad bunch of other things on my mind. i miss that.
so now i will look for yet another job. and do some running and visit my friends up in astoria. if i don't do something i think i will go fucking mad.
on the lighter side i am hearing from everyone in peru and from ramoncito. carlos askes me when i'm coming back. they miss me. and ramoncito plugs on. yes, bless his heart. blesa all their hearts. i miss them too.