things are strange right now. it serves as another reminder of how little i know about anything. i feel powerless in this situation. words don't even come out right. sometimes all i can do is be quiet and watch. and try not to worry.

i will post this picture from sipascancha of all the children. another example of being able to do very little. and of feeling almost exactly the way described above. there are times one is truly on the outside, does not have the history or experience to know or judge or understand. one is not in a position to give advice.

in the photo, the kids are gathered for christmas. they will receive donated gifts, a cup of lemon jello and a piece of sweet bread. it is so better than nothing, i suppose. they're excited and to some degree innocent, minus coming to know what to expect. whether a christmas celebration will make a difference in these kids lives, we'll not really know. it all can seem like token gestures. and one can question just why they are doing it. but in looking back, when a connection is made, there is no denying it. it felt like at that split second, everything made sense.

i guess all you can do is be present. be there. trust yourself to do exactly what's needed. put your foot in your mouth, if that's what has to happen. and be open to a connection.

i am beyond thrilled to report i got the cd from pavela in peru, full of christmas fotos!! but, i just got home from work and am EXHAUSTED. so here is one for now. (shelley, wait till you see them! they're sweet and sad and happy all at the same time. the first time i looked at them, some made me cry. i'll post more soon.

still groggy after sleeping until nearly 10AM. sometimes i am in a fog with sort of blurried thoughts whoozhing through my mind, with only brief short-lived light-bulb like revelations that dim quickly and flit on to the next. our sweet mel...are the boys ok...now what...am i already too attached...not attached enough...will i go back to peru...what will happen to me...bigger yet, the world...is this it...i need an adventure...this is great...go running...make time for old friends...make new friends...do something different...no, do something the same...you need to study...no, no, no just be in the moment...i want to keep growing...oh no, i don't, i've had ENOUGH...this is too easy...this is too hard...yikes, am i getting old...blah, blah, blah.

is it just my wiring? or is this how it is for everybody?

regardless, it makes me crazy. so i do stuff. fill up my time and my head with what's important to me: (or, waste my time, if it seems right;) write; smile; laugh alot; tell my kids i love them; talk to my best buddies; stay open; to not take ANYTHING for granted; to trust my instincts; work when i'm at work; play when i'm home; to keep things simple; to take good care of myself; to do my best; and to take a breath and trust all is exactly as it should be, even if it looks bad; and, to be grateful. the doubts don't go away, but they have less power.

geez, what a beautiful day. so warm! so glad i didn't sleep it away! and yeah, 5 days off. i love it! just got back from the Q Street Animal Hospital. what i thought was my little hermaphridite (sp??) kitty is actually a little girl and calico at that. now her name is mun~aquita (little doll) or mun~a kitty. mun~a is an herb (god, i wish i knew where to find that letter!) that grows in the andes and its used for almost everything that ails you. while its used in preparations, most often it's cupped in your hands and sniffed. smells wonderful. i used it for headaches related to altitude sickness (along with coca!) so, back to little mun~a-kitty, she got her first exam and shots. she'll get spayed in 3 weeks. along with negrito, the ferrell cat that came with my house. that is, if i can catch him, get him in a box and to the vet!

cool!

so the taxes are done. made an appointment for my annual exam and even a teeth cleaning. all i have to really do, as far as chorelike things, is (1) my online classes, (2) hook up with jamie and get those cd's for S., and (3) get my garden(s) ready for planting. i have a feeling if the weather is like this for the next 5 days i WILL NOT be glued to the computer screen, but rather outside getting dirty.