i just watched the sun come up. it's not warm and its not cold. the cats are playing outside and i'm compelled to use the rest of my pictures on the disposable camera, seeing if i can catch sensible standing on his back legs like a ballerina kitty. i think he's trying to play with quita, but she won't have anything to do with it.

life is good. steve makes me smile. alot. i love that he exemplifies what community is. he causes me to question maintaining my distance from everything/everyone. work is ok. my sons are fine. (i realized this weekend they truly have their own lives. hell, i knew that; but it is like realizing it over and over again in a new way.) i am enjoying the thrill of dirty fingernails from planting a few gardens. flowers are blooming and it's fantastic to be on my bike. money is no problem. however saving it is. i get to see my best buddies often enough i know that one day when i or they are gone i won't regret not making the time. i'm meeting new people and doing things that feel right to me. wow.

yet, there are moments i could walk away from it all. and go somewhere where no one knows me, where i struggle to understand a different culture and just watch for awhile. and learn. and to be far away from all i find intolerable in america. (ie., hey, where in the fuck are we headed and is there any way to stop it???) i was amazed to be able to think for myself, that my thoughts were clear as a bell, no distractions. there would be news but it was minimal. like america wasn't all that fucking important anyway. such a switch, here we are inundated with so called news and opinions, there, just enough to know and then think for yourself beyond that.

Its a beautiful afternoon out there. and i'm home sort of sick and on call for work. i woke up with a horrible headache and nausea at 1PM. long story short is now i'm on call until midnite and then will go in until 4 AM. it was very nice of them to be so flexible. muchisimas gracias.

i'm listening to sandy denny and its perfect. soft, mellow. the house is a mess and the gardens need watering, but i'll deal with that later. now i'm just thinking about things. with sandy in the background.

life is good. at least if i don't think too deeply or too largely. the weekend past was spent with "my sons" and sue and karen. so nice to be in arcata. its very pretty and reminds me of being in some spanish speaking place. mainly because of their plaza in the center of town. there's a statue in the center and park benches, and actual people, actually walking around and enjoying it all. but sue tells me smoking is prohibited in the plaza in arcata, unlike plaza de armas in the countries i visited! this being from a friend who has a bumper sticker that says "FREEDOM TO SMOKE WITHOUT HARRASSMENT".

so, my son, josiah graduated this past weekend from humboldt state. and it was mothers day. so it was a party weekend. lots of barbeques and gatherings. do i dare admit i feel rather separated from my boys/sons as of late. they are in their 20's, and don't seem to talk with me like they used to. life is at their fingertips. i try to remember myself in my 20's, and where my parents fit in all of it. (uuhh, not.) so, josiah hurt my feelings on mothers day. ouch! silly but he was trying to postpone when he would come for a wonderful breakfast karen cooked for sue and i. more his tone of voice rather than simply being late. (and if she hadn't done that, i doubt they would have put forth any effort, perhaps thinking these things don't really matter to me.) and i don't dare mention it to them, after all i doubt it to be malicious. and, then i would likely hear mothers day is just some economic scheme courtesy of hallmark. and then i would have to own that i too get tired of all the hoopla that gets stirred up by advertising for this and that supposed special day. (but, for the record, mothers day and my birthday don't count!) so i just noticed how i was feeling and did not say anything or get catty. that's what i do these days. YEAH. a lesson learned in a foreign country where i realized how it was impossible to go on about "my feelings" or "issues", as i couldn't always express myself down to the last dirty detail secondary to my lack of much of a vocabulary. i not only survived this cutting of my tongue so to speak, but actually grew from the experience. it gave me the chance to realize how much time i wasted blabbing, or people i hurt, or how little i was actually paying attention to the moment, having to fucking express myself. like feeding the drama monster. and making it more real with each "meal". very selfish in retrospect. anyway, the breakfast turned out to be very sweet. my sons both there, in sue and karen's little front yard, like a garden party. and the part of me that was hurt blew away like a little leaf in the wind.

back to that thought of life being good as long as i don't think to deeply about all of it. i'm totally OK with just being in the moment and seeing things fresh and new. but, sometimes it feels like its selfish and pollyanna-like, to forget the people in the world suffering, let alone there are other ways to live, not just the american way. i get swelled up about just how wonderful it feels to feel the wind in my hair, to see wildflowers, a strangers' smile, a cute baby, hearing good music or having fine company. its profound in its own way but at the same time feels superficial to look no further than that. so there are times i do that and am amazed i am actually HAPPY and like a sponge taking it all in. and other times i think about the suffering that exists everywhere, and why i am not still working at alleviating it in some small way. and then feeling just like every other american who ignores the fact there's a whole damn world out there. but perhaps that is what EVERYONE has to do, no matter where they are, just for a second to alleviate the physical or mental pain they may feel?

well. deep enough. things are good. and i am here right now. i am so very lucky. other news, carlos "alto", as ramon and i called him, one of the only two tall peruvians i knew, may come to visit the end of may. he and his brother are working with the university of nevada, giving presentations for children about the inca culture. carlos is from aguas calientes, which lies below machu picchu. a simply gorgeous place. so i've written and left messages with a couple schools about any interest. but damn, no response. but it was short notice. so i don't know if he'd come if there was nothing scheduled. he is getting married to julie, after all this time, in july, in lima. she works at the university and after meeting him arranged this deal. so he's been coming to the states every 6 months or so for the last few years. now he has a 10 year visa. so cool.

well captain sensible has returned. out of the blue and like a bolt of lightening. 2:30 in the AM on my way out the door to work, he just flew in! he's my step daughters cat and she's moved in here temporarily with me. what a trip to have her here. she is delightful to have around. little cute punk chick. and to have it happen now, after so many years. WOW. going back, a messy divorce at the time, not to mention a life i couldn't---even if i tried---go back to, even for a million dollars. those years of kids, and all their deals going on, and being married, and trying to do it all "right". yuck yuck yuck. it was so hard back then. alot of the time. and such a shame really. we all blew it each in our own way. but its so past. so she's here after some difficult times of her own and trying to start over. she keeps alot to herself which is fine with me really. just want her to talk to me if she needs to and to have her know she can, and that i won't freak out. and that we can live like roomies, not me being the parent and or her acting the role of child. i wonder what she thinks of all of it and if she also has reservations. and whether she worries like me about living together? well all i can do and hope for is that she has changed too and that we do this now as two adults, each with experiences that have shaken our respective souls and spit us out the other side different. i hope she realizes i have changed, just like her, and not much matters to me the same way. and that i hated things then too. and do not want to repeat any of it. just not interested in trying to run the show, or arguing or in any way wasting our very valuable energy. this business of life can be trying and who in their right mind wants to make a freaking drama of everything?? especially when life is pretty damn good these days and to turn back and behave like a dramatic bitch is of no fucking interest to me. yeh.

'Lookin' for a Leader'
by Neil Young

Lookin' for a leader
To bring our country home
Re-unite the red white and blue
Before it turns to stone
Lookin' for somebody
Young enough to take it on
Clean up the corruption
And make the country strong
Walkin' among our people
There's someone who's straight and strong
To lead us from desolation
And a broken world gone wrong
Someone walks among us
And I hope he hears the call
And maybe it's a woman
Or a black man after all
Yeah maybe it's Obama
But he thinks that he's too young
Maybe it's Colin Powell
To right what he's done wrong
America has a leader
But he's not in the house
He's walking here among us
And we've got to seek him out
Yeah we've got our election
But corruption has a chance
We got to have a clean win
To regain confidence
America is beautiful
But she has an ugly side
We're lookin' for a leader
In this country far and wide
We're lookin' for a leader
With the great spirit on his side
Someone walks among us
And I hope he hears the call
And maybe it's a woman
Or a black man after all